Discover more from Raz’s Substack
TLDR they're over
I am free
I left utah, and graduated with a Masters in game design, with a focus in 3d scanning and digital archiving. idk what this means LMAOOOOOO we move tho. i been there since fall 2021 and i cant lie - this was a very rough few years. I struggled finding friends irl, had a lot of difficulties in my program, not a great roommate situation, developed a lot of anxiety issues, and general health issues (back pains, nicotine, aging). But thru this all, I thrived in sawdust. I made 50 woodworks, a handful of stopmotions, and experimented with stampworks. I got into galleries. I developed a beautiful routine of meditation and daily walks. I traveled thru the states. so much anime. I dove deep into astrology (slay). I made friends online. read more books, and visited the library a lot. I got closer with my mom and dad. And i found myself again (corny, but real asf).
I left my undergad feeling like a void. So much of myself was spread throughout so many different clubs, social groups, and people. I was running 24/7, and fully went insane when I graduated. I wanted to recent myself, and experience isolation. and that I did. a little too much too like gaddamn. but I found what I rly like, and what I rly want to do. what im interested in, and what I want as a person. It gave me so much strength and understanding of myself. and now ima flex these lessons on yall (flexsons?). this is the gist of everything i learned in isolation:
-you can’t use your achievements to protect yourself from judgement. critics are either confused or haters, and no matter how much you succeed, they can find ways to misinterpret or attack you. its not something to fear, its just a part of life that stands out when you become your truest self
-there are always reasons and excuses not to do things, and they are only as valid as you make them. sometimes, all these reasons and excuses stem down to not wanting to challenge your stability. and thats ok, but you rly gotta push thru it sometimes.
-fear of what /could/ happen is terrible. anything could happen, yes. but when you are in a rough spot, challenge it when you can. sometimes(mostly) breaking the peace is the best way to create a solution. its like re-breaking a bone to set it correctly.
-routine is a superpower for artists. it allows rest, and having a confined time slot for art lets me focus a lot more on a piece as opposed to “ill make it when i have time”
-rest is just as important in making art. it lets you understand what you want to make while hyping up for the next work session
-art is not for everyone. its a creation that challenges stability, and there are a lot of people that only want stability.
-going outside regularly keeps me grounded. its easy to float around mentally, but when im up and moving I can easily recenter myself
-sade has a song for every vibe
-traditionalism keeps me very restricted in life. its time to challenge that, and break free of older ways of living. we’re grown to become products of capitalism, and its up to us to break from it and prioritize ourself instead of social standards.
-communication is key, but not everyone wants to communicate. not everyone can be held accountable, and some things feel very personal when identified. this one sucked to realize; not everyone wants to be a better person, they rly do j want stability and their own permanent understanding of the world
-life is beautiful. every moment is different, and with that, every moment is precious. having an intimate understanding that nobody sees the world as you do lets you form a connection with the world on much more personal level imo. “when was the last time you really looked at a tree” - lil uzi
-hard water is a thing. theres legit calcium and trace metals in the water in utah so I was showering in ~sediment~ and drinking ~sand~ for almost my entire time there. slay.
-people are inherently interesting. we all lived insanely different lives, and everyone has different understandings of the world. everyone has a story thatll humble tf out of u.
-being alone with your thoughts will change your life for the best. its a meme that being alone w urself is awful. but ya ofc it is if u dont reflect on ur actions and j have all that pent up madness. go thru it, figure urself out, put the blunt/phone/games down. life gets so much easier when you can just listen to it.
-i am not my thoughts. all the overthinking and stress vanishes after a single conversation or action. the mind is simply a spectator in life sometimes, and doesn’t always know the answer.
-cry more. i can cry to beautiful things. especially after a rly rough period. dont store that negativity inside u; make a playlist and let loose.
-23 is hell. good luck yall
-There’s always a new day. The first few months I was there, every day blended into eachother. I used journaling and astrology daily to help break up the days and stay grounded w time.
-I am loved. i am appreciated. ilyall
-talking isn’t that hard. and yes, some conversations will be awkward. not talking bc you want a conversation to b not awkward and perfect is, yes, a sign of perfectionism.
-have faith. yes, things can get hard. and hellish. but regardless, you are the person to move thru it. it wont be instant, but those r moments to step back, analyze whats goin on, and push thru
-fight. a prayer can do only half of of the job, the rest is up to you.
-there are no enemies. ppl fear what challenges them, and would do anything to protect their stability at the cost of others. s/o vinland saga (yes i know i picked the quote that everyone picks but its still fire)
-some people are just lessons. there’s no reasoning with them, and no solutions to problems made by them. they could live life unbothered by the world, and not rly understand the damage they do, but it is ultimately up to ourselves to fix the problems given to us. i still feel iffy abt this one but it is what it is.
-friends are beautiful. friendship is beautiful.
-closed mouths dont get fed. speak up! ppl arent psychics - make your needs heard, i already know ppl wanna help u
-adults are just kids. the vast majority of ppl older than us were just told to be adults, but they were never rly taught how to be adults. even your parents.
-you are your greatest obstacle. overcome yourself and your beliefs to move forward
-being yourself is fun. at the same time, there is no self. I thought I knew who i was until i changed every day. dont put urself into your own box. you are who you are, and adding a label to that is bootysweat. to be yourself, you must be free to be. *hits blunt*
-fuck utah. :)
and for some things i’m still learning:
-dont hold yourself back out of niceness. you are a blessing, and the things you say can change ppls life for the best; be that as a challenge for them to grow from, or the support needed to elevate them. holding urself back isn’t nice to yourself
-ppl want to learn abt you. a lot of my conversations are w ppl who j want to talk abt themselves, but for me, i feel like ppl dont know where to start asking. bring it up urself; give them things to ask abt. being “mysterious” is a bit dated now :/
-some ppl j hate you. and ppl not liking you doesnt mean they inherently hate you. like ppl have tastes in food, they also have tastes in people. and that is fine and v normal. while i wish everyone was obsessed w me, that also sounds kinda stressful, so im chillin
-put the phone down. its not even that fun bruh j make something like??
-i am in control of my own life. there is no path, and i can alter it at any moment. its time i did that more.
-i need to have fun more. i deserve to have fun, and there r ppl in my life who want to celebrate life w me. i want to be open to the world again, and be my truest self while doing it.
thats most of it. ive journaled so much of the past years, and these are the highlights. this is a longer one, but its a summary of the past two years, and a summary of my time creating the art I currently make. im writing this in a library in colorado rn, and the past few days have been a whirlwind. im excited for the rest of this lil roadtrip, but im more excited to see whats next in my life. hoes??? art??? lessons??? travel??? friends??? all of the above??? who knows. probs a job too cuz im tryna #eat. its up to me tho, and i want to have more fun while living. the dog days are over.
love, and freely,
ps. on my last day, i took my last walk. i stopped at a pond to look at some ducks during the sunset (cig time) and an old white lady from new Zealand came to talk to me. she was a missionary who survived the abs worst things, but she is writing a book at the moment. i didnt catch her name so i will unwillingly gatekeep my kiwi queen (i googled if kiwi is a new zealander slur and its not its 2023 rn if this ages poorly pls im begging im sry xoxo). she ended our talk w saying there is good and there is bad. she went thru hell and turned salt to sugar. im tryna b on #thatshit so that was a nice lil full circle moment.
pees. on a road trip rn and im gonna go to the badlands tmrw im kinda hyped asf rn. hopefully i can go stargazing butttt ya sleigh. the next letter ill b at home and working on a new piece dont worry abt it
piss. yes this is a florence and the machine reference if anyone wants to make me cry play this for ten seconds and i will b in shambles + ur an opp
pissypiss. its been a few days since ive written this and i think i can go on forever. this is already a long ass email, but i hope it can help in any challenges yall may face. and i do wanna go back here in the future and see what i was up to. i went to the Badlands in South Dakota today and saw a shooting star - and it just hit me as to how rough the past few years have been. from not being comfortable in any place i was; home, outside, classes. isolation while simultaneously holding myself back from meeting ppl. constant fight or flight in uncontrollable situations. im excited to make art thats not an escape from the hardships, but instead a celebration of my life and freedom.
now this… this was what pushed me thru the last few months. im ready to drop a first day out piece like i rly feel like Icarus w non melting wings rn
“Don't you grow up in a hurry, your mom'll be worried,
It was all part of the story, even the scary nights
Thank you for all of the glory, you will be remembered,
Thank you to all of the heroes of the night”
me rn. in my meandering era. daresay rambling? roaming? traversing? cvnting? yes.
uhhh subscribe?? u literally read another one of these and enjoyed it?? ik ur inbox boring as hell lemme in like>?>