Retrogrades

this dihsappearing act is getting silly but its stress induced

Mar 12, 2025

I vanished again lol. I was busy I stg tho. The horrors of the world won, but I lived.

I’ve just been super drained for the past few months. It doesn’t feel like an overworking drain, but an overwhelming type of draining. Seeing a new human right get lost, and attempting to comprehend what just happened has been tough. Having to explain to people how we got here was rough, and seeing it click for them was harder. It’s not just fun and games here, real life hit like a truck. I spent early January traveling, so I didn’t get a real break over the holidays. And the TikTok ban got me manic, but I had a good run on rednote, and will hopefully still post there. They call me nuwa it’s so wild I love it.

It was just really overstimulating, and I couldn’t focus on my art like I wanted to. The mania led to me thinking everyone hating me and being frustrated and helpless for a good amount of time. And ofc, at the pinnacle of this angst, I got a cold.

When I get sick it rly is an event - I cycle through 2-3 symptoms that are different every other day for abt a week, and I’m lowkey bedridden the whole time. Can’t lie, it was amazing. I only thought about sleeping and eating. I didn’t care abt what else was happening, or the future of my art. I worked remotely all week, and slept early. I ate soup. Watched some YouTube and anime (currently watching black lagoon). It was rly nice to not worry about things I can’t control. Maybe I should get sick more often idk

I spent time learning touch designer too. It’s a software with some cool interactive features and I want to mix it with my mainline works. I’ve collaborated with a pixel/glitch artist before and i liked the results, but I wanna make sure I’m not just adding a filter to my work. I’ve been bored with my work ultimately. The handhelds, while successful, have felt like a replacement for my art. I still create, but its not creating what i truly want. Im hoping a new software can bring a spark but i’m not sure if its happening.

But now, Ramadan has started, meaning I don’t have time to think. I get up, eat, go back to bed, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, cook, eat again, post my dailies, and go to bed. occasionally I find time to write my substack or do some minor video editing, but thats abt it. Im not particularly religious, and I started last year as solidarity with Palestinians, but its starting to transform into something else. Its a time where I stop thinking. The hunger makes me feel feeling to things that never crossed my mind, and what I usually think about is swept away. It also makes me want to cuss out the whole building but unfortunately i do not think i can do that.

While I am still making art, I am also looking at my career. Currently I work in art logistics but I want something new. something alive and dynamic, and something to keep me moving. I am hoping for an art handling job, but i just need something more at the end of the day. and I want to take a vacation.

I want a vacation so bad, and I want to be free of the endless cycle of time.

but now, all I can do is plan. I can usually have like 1.5 hours of free time during the days now. I don’t know how i distributed myself before I was fasting but this is what I work with during the weekdays. I want to get my short film wrapped up this month, and that should rly be enough. I am not sure how frequently I can write these newsletters, but I am thankful for all of yall.

much love,

Faraz

ps omg i went viral on tiktok, ig, and threads(threads is meh but still) and i still have to go to work like thats crazy. its cool and im happy w it, but lowkey kicking myself since I didn’t set up my book on my tiktok or ig shops. its ok, im also expecting a drop off from them since every time i get large boosts of followers they j unfollow. its silly but we r chillin

pss i miss writing these, i just don’t know when i can now. If i have extended free time i want to work on art. if im on the trains im making a stopmotion. and i cant do these at work bc i actually have to do my job now. woof.

psss also i got on superrare that was bizarre but cool so thats hype