Standing it
and all it comes with
I’m back and I’m so mad
The past few months I was guaranteed a lot of great things, and most fell through. The one thing I got was only half of what I expected so even that isn’t doing it for me. I can’t go into too much detail unfortunately but it’s been parts of my personal, relational, romantic, 9-5 career, art career, financial, and health life. So like most of my life rn is warfare lmao.
Im usually a “this too shall pass” person. I don’t like festering feelings, or to have malice towards ppl. There’s too many horrible things in the world to be upset at an individual or situation, bc the issues in my daily life aren’t comparable to ppl who are facing institutional wrath and oppression. And I have so many ways to channel feelings, from exercising to creating.
But I fear I hit a tipping point and I am filled with rage. So much was in my hands and they all slipped away. I don’t even think it would’ve been hard to manage, as it was all improvements on the things I do every day. But there were external factors, and intentional and unintentional miscommunications that have done their damages.
To vent abt what I can:
my daily series is infuriating to make in the cold
I deserve to be paid more
I want a vacation
I want someone I like to like me back
I don’t have the energy to finish my short film
My AirPods r crackling all the time
I want to afford things
I want stability
is this so hard? Yes clearly. It doesn’t feel like burn out, I’ve experienced that too much. This feels like frustration to a restrictive level. I have the energy and abilities to push forward, but I’m surrounded by solid brick walls. And I keep pushing and pushing only to make a slight crack; just enough to see the other side. It’s infuriating.
This is the first time I’ve really expressed anger in my art. I always thought angry art was corny as it’s hard to display nuance imo, especially if it’s not abstract works. A lot of angry art I see just displays someone writhing in pain and agony, or an overuse of expletives and the color red. It’s more infuriating to see the limits of the pieces vs the pieces themselves. But I’ve started to see how to make it and why it’s made. Some things are just really stupid and making art abt it is all we can do. I’m hoping to highlight the absurdities in rage - not that the rage is absurd, but the situations within it.
I don’t know if I’d call it freeing, but it’s at least reassuring to know how silly these situations are. These situations are just stupid. If I work to something, why are the roadblocks so ridiculous? I’ve done it all as prescribed and that wasn’t enough I guess. It works for everyone else but not me.. the curse of being me fr. If anything, working in a more glitched style makes it easy to make these works. It’s a jarring style but fits so perfectly with stopmotion, and it’s so easy once you have the idea (on a physical level). Idk I wanna see this more and I love being lazy w my art lmfao lol I’m rly not trying to do all that.
its been a week since I wrote this. I think ive settled a bit, but theres still frustration. I feel helpless in it, but I do think its something I just need to show up for. Things at work have gotten harder, and I got a great art opportunity that I don’t know how to tackle. I think I need to journal for a bit. This doesn’t feel like a rock bottom moment - I don’t think I’ll be there again in life. But its a trench nonetheless. Ramadan started, so hopefully this can be a time to see whats important to me, and where I should relax a bit. I want to be alone for a while, but I don’t know if thats an option currently. I’ll do what I can in the meantime. I need more sleep tho, maybe im just grouchy. maybe not, but we can figure that out later.
Alas, I can be mad and still laugh it off.
Cheers,
Faraz
Ps I had an insane collab w Jacob Lamoureuxx recently that I’m obsessed w. I found him back in December through his performance video art and he’s on fire. I’m honored to make art alongside him, and it’s a blessing to see him get his flowers. Check it out!
PSs I also got sick last week but I’m feeling better so yayyyy
Piss I hate Wordpress so much lmao I might remake my website again😭 I’m too self reliant which is bad, but I need real help for Wordpress and I don’t have the means to pay for it. Alas alas alas
Ps2 Ramadan Mubarak!
ps3 I saw brokeback mountain a few weeks ago and im still devastated i rly wish I knew how to quit u
I really like this piece. Its sensitive and hopeful, it feels somberly optimistic. Its hard knowing a piece about hope was the last thing I made before artistically crashing out
cheers